It’s a part of life that we feel down sometimes. Maybe it’s because of something that happened at work, in school or in a relationship. Sometimes we can feel very down for a very long time, and during that time everything can seem so dark, and we forget that we’re ever loved or cared about by anyone.
But that is not true. No matter how bad you feel for how long, there are people who love you and are thinking of you. Maybe you haven’t talked to them for a while. Maybe you think no one would ever want to talk to you ever again. That is also not true. It is not easy, but all you need to do during times like this is to reach out to someone. Â Call, email, chat, text, write a letter, join an online forum, whatever you can manage. Anything is better than that one thing you want to do–killing yourself.
Today is my cousin’s 22nd birthday, if she’s still around. She also called herself Bonny because she thought I was cool and she even went to the same high school that I went to. We used to debate about the meaning of life and other philosophical questions during sleepovers. But the other Bonny decided last summer that there’s no other way out other than jumping from the 16th floor of her apartment building.
I cannot imagine the kind of darkness that she was going through, but she cannot image the kind of hurt that she has left our entire family. I’m glad that she’s no longer in pain, but all of us who love her are experiencing the following with a different mixture and degree: guilt, shame, sadness, blame, shock, confusion, regret and many other kinds of emotions that cannot be expressed with words. Only the living has to deal with these. Please know that if you commit suicide, this is what will happen to everyone who loves you, especially your family.
For us, there’s no background music, no doves flying across the sky, no misty water drops on daisies. It’s just kind of shitty, kind of dim, for a long time.
So if you feel like there’s no hope, remember that there’s someone out there who loves you and would love to hear from you, and tell you that he/she also had a hard time too that one year. And if you’re feeling alright, don’t forget to check up on someone who might be going through some tough time. Drop them a letter, text, email, whatever works.
That’s what I wish I had done.